Be Thou My Strength
by White Wave Dancer
Summary: Rated for mature content. But please do read. It's worth it. I've added something akin to a chapter two...
1. Be Thou My Strength

Be Thou My Strength  
  
By  
  
White Wave Dancer  
  
When nightly shadows creep, I retreat from the garish world, retreat from the light, into the darkness. Into my own, personal darkness. Oh, how cold is the fear. How hot the shame. I lie here, alone, and I think how I've failed. And I curse my weakness. My evil, wicked weakness. I shed my empty tears over nothing. I have nothing to cry about. I am loved. By my parents, my brother, my friends, and my God. My God loves me. So why should I cry. If I had more faith, I would not cry. I would not fear. If I had more faith, I wouldn't hurt so. If I had more faith...but...I don't...that's why I fail, isn't it? That's why I cry, and hurt, and fear. That's why I lose my temper, why I'm afraid to sleep at night. That's why every face I see seems to be judging me, calling me ugly and stupid and incompetent and selfish and a pretender. I shake my head and swipe at relentless tears. My weakness is of the Devil. I should be stronger. If only I could love Thee more...then, wouldst Thou let the pain stop? Oh, God I love Thee so! But not enough. This is my fault. This pain is my fault.   
  
A thousand voices have told me no. They whisper in soothing voices. Their hands reach out to dry my tears, but they cannot reach me. For I am drowning in the rough embrace of the few others. They number few, those who tell me yes. That it is all my fault. That I am weak. That I when I cry, I cry in Satan's arms, and Satan laughs at me for I am weak. They are few, those who say that Thou art angry with me for my fear. Oh, but how loud are their voices! They scream at me, and their voices hurt. They shake my spirit so fiercely that I cannot tell what is black or white or up or down or truth or fiction. I cannot hear the gentle voices anymore. They are all lost to the angry cries. And they hurt me. It hurts to think such pain comes from not loving my beloved God enough. But they insist. And they are all I hear. So, I must obey. I must be wrong. I usually am, just another product of my evil weakness.   
  
I failed. I am weak. I am evil. Ergo, I must be punished.   
  
I crawl to my drawer, that private drawer. Without it is perfectly harmless. Even within it seems so. But I know its truth. Within lies the blade. The blade is sharp and cold. It seems to know why I search for it. And it is eager. And it taunts me. Everytime, I swear to Thee that this time will be the last. Yet I always return. And I am never afraid. I deserve this. And I pick up the blade. That holy blade. That blade that will punish my weakness. It seems to tremble with anticipation, but that is only my own, weak hand. And the blade bites my flesh. And drinks my blood. And now I fear. Now I fear, because I am weak. I am weak to do this. But I deserve it. Oh, I deserve it. And I hear Thy voice. Thou crieth out to me.   
  
"Stop, my child," says Thee. And I raise my eyes to Thy face. Thy beautiful, loving face. And Thy beautiful, loving hands take away the blade. And Thy beautiful, loving lips kiss away my blood. And Thou holdeth out Thy loving, beautiful hand to me. The other takes my wrist, and gently guides my fingers to the Sacred Wound in Thy hand. And Thy sacred lips carress my pallid brow.   
  
"Stop, my child," Thee repeats. "Thou needest not harm thyself. I have paid thy debt." And I throw myself into Thy loving arms, and I cry.   
  
"Why am I weak? Why do I fail? Why do I hurt? Why do I cry? Why do I fear?" And gently Thou silences me.   
  
"Someday," says Thee, "Thou shalt understand my will."   
  
And I ask, "Dost Thou love me?"   
  
And Thou answereth, "Yes, my child. Thy Father, thy Mother, thy sister, thy brother, thy lover all in one Being am I. And I shall love Thee for all eternity."   
  
And I pray, "Be Thou my strength, for I am weak. Be Thou my light, for I dwell in darkness. Be Thou my guide, for I am lost. Help me to hear Thy Voice, for my ears are filled with many cries." And Thou taketh me in Thy loving arms, holding me close to Thy Sacred Heart. And Thou taketh me away from my loneliness, and I see our footsteps in the sand. Two sets when I am strong. One when I am weak.   
  
And Thee whispers,"I shall be thy strength. Thou shalt see my light. I shall be thy guide. And when I will, Thou shalt hear My voice." And I lie safe in Thy arms as we walk on in life, one set of footprints trailing behind, until I grow strong enough to stand on my own.   
  
**************************************************************************************  
  
*blinks* Wow. Okay, yeah, explaination when I have more time. 


	2. Pleading With Demons

Pleading With Demons  
  
Shivering. Crying.   
  
Naked on the floor  
  
Fire and ice  
  
Flow through my veins  
  
And I cry at the shadows,   
  
Pleading with demons.   
  
The world is locked out,   
  
And I am locked in  
  
With the ghosts of the past,   
  
The happy, dancing ghosts of the pasts  
  
Singing their simple song,  
  
Taunting me,  
  
As I stretch a hand wet with tears,   
  
Trying to grasp what has already died,  
  
Fighting to hold onto illusions,   
  
Losing my innocence a thousand times over,   
  
Pleading with demons  
  
To set me free.   
  
Trapped by the past,   
  
Too afraid of the future.   
  
I can't move on.   
  
I can't.  
  
But time is uncaring,   
  
Of one child's fear.  
  
It carries me further,   
  
And I am powerless to stop it.   
  
And I plead with the demons,   
  
Those evil, sadistic demons,   
  
Laughing as tears pour from   
  
Their beautiful eyes.  
  
Their joy turns to mourning  
  
As they take in my pain.   
  
And the angels take me   
  
in their burning arms,  
  
Hold me beneath their icy wings,   
  
And as I weep   
  
Beneath an agonizing caress,  
  
  
Their empathetic tears  
  
Stinging my skin,   
  
They tell me that all will be well. 


End file.
